Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index -- a bi-weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players/baseball entities are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one's presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players/living baseball phenomena listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this edition's honorees/dishonorees ...
Anagram Nation is a welcoming and borderless sovereign state. All those who practice a deep and truehearted devotion to anagrams are welcome within its borders, which, again, do not exist, and invited to partake in its abundant suite of social programs. This brings us to the Chicago Cubs. What follows is a semi-recent dispatch but not recent enough to suggest any sense of timeliness or hustle on the part of this nihilism influencer:
Gas money ties it up! pic.twitter.com/ekEhgwo5en
— Chicago Cubs (@Cubs) July 9, 2023
That man is Yan Gomes. That man is also Gas Money. On its own, Gas Money is a perfectly reasonable baseball nickname, but what takes it beyond mere sufficiency is that Gas Money is also an anagram for – bulletin forthcoming – Yan Gomes. Given the frequent use of anagrams in this space in order to satisfy minimum-word-count protocols, this is heartening in the extreme. To see the art of anagramming amplified by official team media sociale is doubly so.
Given the uplifting nature of this news we are compelled to identify and exalt the Gas Money origin story. As it turns out, we have a t-shirt company to thank for advancing the righteous cause of the anagram:
You can rearrange every letter in Yan Gomes and spell Gas Money. #ObviousFacts
— OBVIOUS SHIRTS® (@obvious_shirts) April 26, 2023
Yes, our friends at Obvious Shirts are describing the process of anagramming, which has graced us with Gas Money. Nothing will get the People out of their seats, stomping their feet, clapping their hands, and shouting morale-improving slogans like anagrams. Hosannas to all involved for realizing this very basic but oft-neglected truth.
Relevant to this discussion is whether Gas Money is indeed the most heaven-scraping anagram for Yan Gomes. Men's Yoga? No, Gas Money is better. Ye Mangos? No, Gas Money is better. Ya Gnomes? Quite adequate, but Gas Money is still better but by a comfortable margin.
Tom Hamilton, the talking stick is yours:
Even when the vehicle is electric, the people still need Gas Money. This is because the people still need Yan Gomes.
It recently came to the attention of this regrettable space that two tosser brothers, Gus and Louie Varland, blessedly populate This, Our Baseball. The names Gus and Louie Varland already evoke the heads of dueling machinist union locals, and that's before it's even acknowledged that the Varland Boys are indeed Right-Wise Sons of the American Midwest. 'Twas written in the stars above the 45th parallel that Gus and Louie Varland would necessarily be from Minnesota, and indeed they are. They were sired, birthed, weaned, and raised among the fur traders and precambrian lake waters and against-code backyard fire pits of the North Star State and so they remain there in the fullest spirit, even if their baseball peregrinations take them to less suitable harbors.
At present, Louie is on the 40-man roster for his very own Twins, which is in keeping with the wishes of all jurisdictional Norse gods. Gus is in the Dodgers' bullpen, which is in grievous defiance of geography and lineage, but our consolation is that his Baseball-Reference headshot hearkens back to his days in the Brewers organization – i.e., Odin's own upper Midwest. Still, never mind who Employs the Boys at this particular junction or has in the past or shall in the future. What matters is that all was once right and can be made right again.
We know how this goes. It is a mixed blessing of longstanding that Midwestern brothers, once their hearts inevitably become as pure as the wind-driven precipitates of winter, pupate from human form into auger-assisted, dual-stage snow blowers. While such an evolution is welcome for the clogged driveways and icy sidewalks of their homelands, it is a loss to the game that binds us. Thus, ergo, and therefore, the time has come to honor them.
Every year in this space we anoint the MLB Big Ten champion, which is the team that has the best regular-season record among all squads of the AL and NL Central. Since the Big Ten is famously known for regionally infused artisanal rivalry trophies, it's overdue that the MLB Big Ten champion should receive something weird and vaguely appropriate to commemorate its victory. So it is with a submerged sense of pride that we present the Varland Boys Honorary Hard-Carved Tornado Warning of Solid Michigan Cherry Wood. Beginning this year, this 70-pound triumphal plaque shall be grandly presented to the MLB Big Ten Champion. So heighten thine efforts, Twins, Brewers, Reds, and Cubs.
Most of all, thank you, Gus and Louis Varland, you blessed cold-weather pitchers and future snow blowers. We shall not forget your toil, your history, your gifts to This, Our Baseball. Reward and replenish yourselves with the half can of oil-gas mixture in this and every garage of Big Ten Country.
